Crazy Bat Lady

I bought a Sentry Safe a few years ago. I big one. Heavy. Expensive. About a year ago, the thing wouldn't open. So I kept inputting the code over and over again, for what felt like forever, and it finally popped. Thinking nothing of it, I closed it, blowing the incident off to something other than a worthless safe.

I was wrong. So of course, I don't remember this incident as I go to open the safe the next time. This next time was 2 weeks ago. I had been trying every single day to open the darn thing. And as each day passed, I was going more and more mad. Not upset. MAD.

So I'm laying in bed last night, thinking about how I need to do my taxes, but cannot because vital information I need is locked away in the safe. At 11:45 pm, I decide to get out of bed and finally get that safe open. I'm determined.

And MAD.

I pull the thing into the middle of my bedroom...for the record, it's heavy. Very heavy...about 150 pounds. So now I'm every more MAD because I'm breaking a sweat trying to get it into the middle of the room. I spend the next 30 minutes plugging the code in over and over again. And yes, it's the right code...the green beeping lights lets me know so. And yes, I have fresh batteries in.

**insert appropriate curse word**

I began to think, perhaps if I tip it on its side, it will work. So I'm rolling my safe onto its side, over and over again, trying the code over and over again. And still nothing. So I pick the safe up and drop it on the floor. Hernia waiting to happen. But it doesn't pop open.

**insert appropriate curse word**

After that 30 minutes, I decide to Google the problem. And I'm totally blown away with how many people have had this same EXACT problem! Thousands upon thousands of sites saying they are plugging their correct code in, but the lock won't "unlock". I stumble upon one...quite entertaining actually...where this guy calls customer service and they tell him to bang the top of it with a rubber mallet. So he does, and lo and behold, the stuck safe pops open.

Which of course sets of a giant red flag right there. I'm thinking to myself, "Why would a $250, 150 pound safe be able to open with a rubber mallet?" So I try it. Only I don't have a rubber mallet. I use my exercise ball. Over and over again, I smack the thing on the top. Harder and harder I drop it. But then I panic, thinking I'm going to break the ball and sand will be all over my carpet.

**insert appropriate curse word**

So I grab a screwdriver. I figure the safe is beyond saving, so I start prying the sucker in the crack, knowing darn well it's not going to pop it open. But of course, there is that glimmer of hope, since the other guy popped his open with a rubber mallet.

Obviously it's not working. This is 40 minutes after I start. So I go and Google again. And I search the videos. I watch one about a bunch of safe-crackers that whacked the back of the thing with an ax...four whacks and they were in.

Alas, I have no ax.

But I have a bat. That should work, right? Nope...I'm whacking this safe like a crazy bat lady at the Whack-A-Mole game. I'm surprised I didn't wake the girls up with the racket. And now I'm beyond MAD because I'm totally breaking a sweat trying to get into this thing.

**insert appropriate curse word**

Now I'm thinking every crazy thing in the world. Wrap a tow strap around in and haul it behind the truck at high speed. But I can't once I realize the safe would pop open and all of my important papers would just fly out. I'm thinking of buying a blow torch, but my history with fire isn't so good...so that idea passes as quickly as it came.

45 minutes into this maddening endeavor, I run out of ideas. And curse words. So I start kicking the bejeebers out of the keypad. Over and over again. Curse word after curse word.

And guess what?





THE SAFE FINALLY POPPED OPEN!





Moral of the story? If all else fails, kick the bejeebers out of it. Kicking really does fix stuff.

Anyone want a 150 pound Sentry Safe. I'll totally give it to you for free!